Finding It All
by keeperofthetardis
Summary: ""Sometimes… it makes them better. In the end," he whispered." Multi-chapter.
1. Prologue

**Author's note: This could tecnically stand alone as a oneshot, but I decided I wanted to blend this fic with a multi-chapter action/romance/family/spy fic I also had in mind. So this is a prologue that takes place before most of what will take place in the future. Spoilers up through series 5, basically. I hope you enjoy! :D**

* * *

**Finding It All**

**Prologue**

It's a few days after Valentine's Day. Castle has slept over at her apartment two of those nights. The third night they had crashed at his place. But the drawer, his drawer, still gave him this ridiculous sense of pride, not so much of himself, but of Kate. The sheer sweetness of her gift, the gesture, proving to him that she was making giant steps every day to let him further into her heart… sometimes it overwhelmed him. That sense of overwhelmedness had manifested itself in the way he would come up behind her when they were at home, hug her quickly from behind and press his lips to her cheek. He'd then let go and they'd go about whatever they were doing… cooking dinner together, flipping through channels, sorting out schedules for future events. He was just so happy, all the time. Well, nearly all the time.

There were still hard cases, and there was still writers block, and he'd spend so much time at the precinct working on cases with Beckett and then they'd go home together, and he'd run out of any time he would have had to write. So one particularly difficult case, when they weren't coming up with any leads, Kate said,

"That's it. Castle, you're staying home to write. The boys and I can take care of things. No more case work until you write at least at least four thousand words."

"But Beckett! Four thousand words?" he whined from his position slouching into the couch, his face twisting into a mask of horror and panic, "how am I supposed to be able to write four thousand words without my muse? And besides, you _need_ me. I can help on your case."

"I _need_ you?" she quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Yes," he insisted, a in a solid, assured voice.

Those eyes… Kate nearly gave in right there. His wide, insistent, pleading blue eyes were just so cute, but she knew he'd put himself in massive trouble if he didn't get some writing done, and at the present, she was more of a distraction than anything, so she held her ground.

"Hm… I'm not sure need is really the right word, Castle." She began walking towards the front door.

"You're right. Desperate longing for my charm, handsomeness and my incredible stash of wit and cleverness is much better terminology for what you'll be experiencing when you go to work without me."

"Desperate longing?" she rolled her eyes at him as he got up and followed her to the counter where she began to gather her things. She poked him in the chest. "Don't push it."

She knew he was right though. As wonderful as it would be to take him with her, as they most often did, or as lovely as it would be to stay home for the day, she knew that both of those things would inhibit his ability to write… but the deeper truth was that it probably would be a little harder for her to go about her day without wishing he were there… Sometimes when he wasn't, when he did stay home and write, she did sense that need for his companionship, and life, and warmth clawing up inside of her while around her there was darkness, and death, and twisted human motives that she was working to solve. Sometimes you couldn't really solve it. You just had to do your best to give some peace to the families of the victims, and remember, no matter how hard it got, that there was always hope waiting for you at the other side of it. It did make going home to him that much sweeter. Still, she liked teasing him, and knew, even if she didn't admit it, that he was fully aware of how much she really did need him, in her heart of hearts.

Castle reached forward like he was going to poke her arm but instead surprised her and brushed the hair off her neck and behind her shoulders. Aww… his little gestures were sweet. But no! This was a tried and true manipulation technique. She could see right through it. He leaned forward and nudged her cheek with his nose and softly pressed a few kisses to her skin.

"Please take me with you," he whispered, like a little kid.

"Stop being such a baby," she said, chastising him, but all the same turned and gave him a small kiss on the lips, then pulled away, out of his grasp, grabbing her purse and opening the door.

Castle followed like a puppy dog at her heels but she gave him a look as she turned around that stopped him in his tracks.

"You are a grown man, with a real job. You need to start acting like you actually have that job. GO! Write your book."

Castle sighed, defeated.

"Ok. But promise me that you'll call me with any new details on the case."

"I can promise no such thing," Beckett replied.

Another sigh verging on a whine.

"I can, however, text you at lunch," she relented.

His whole face brightened.

"Really?"

"Yes," she replied, just as final as his assertion a moment ago that she needed him.

"Ok," he grinned. "Don't… don't have too much fun without me."

"It's a dead end case right now, Castle. You don't have much to worry about there. I'll see you later."

"See ya," Castle replied, and she shut the door.

Writing it was.

* * *

He spent the entire morning with his computer on his lap, alternating between typing a few hundred (ok, so maybe it was like 50 at a clip) words and watching YouTube videos of cats, and nerf gun reviews done by teenage boys (what? He was interested!) and playing Angry Birds on his phone.

Around 11:45 he looked at his word count. 700 words. Drat. He was going to have to try harder. But… it wasn't getting any easier. He lay his head down on the desk and groaned. His brain was too preoccupied with wishing he were somewhere else, that he could be with Beckett at the precinct, working on leads. The case had been straightforward enough at first… body of a man found shot in an alley, blood smears, a boot print… But then it started getting more difficult. Everybody's alibi checked out. There was nothing interesting about it either – he was just a middle-aged man who had worked at a department store, apparently trying to scrape by a living off of that. He'd had a simple apartment, no next of kin… It was so frustrating.

The most frustrating however was the fact that Kate was at the precinct right at that very moment, and she was probably frustrated too, but if they were together, there's a possibility they'd be less frustrated. They'd be more at rest. They'd…

Ugh. This was getting him nowhere. Lunch. Kate was supposed to text him at lunch. How soon was lunch? Castle knew there was no way of telling… it varied every single day depending on where they were at with their leads and paperwork. And ooh! Interrogation. You know what? Brilliant idea.

Maybe he could just take his laptop to the precinct and write in the break room. He'd get more done with people watching him, making sure he worked. At least that's what he told himself. And then he could keep up with things. And he could make Beckett coffee! He loved making her coffee.

He grabbed his phone off the desk and texted off a quick message to her:

_Can I come to the precinct with my laptop and write there in the break room?_

He waited five minutes before her reply.

_NO._

Hm. All capital letters… curt reply. He'd better not risk it. Lately whenever she had to tell him anything via text it was accompanied by a teasing remark to compliment the serious. This was firm. He knew better than to cross her on that one.

He replied:

_Fine. Ur mean. :( _

Maybe the unhappy face would get him some sympathy. She really wasn't mean. Well, she could be. But she was just being all _practical_ and that was annoying.

Her reply came 20 seconds later:

_I'll show you just how mean I can be if you haven't got those four thousand words by the time I get home._

He smirked. Two could play that game.

_Is that a promise, Detective?_

Five seconds.

_Shut up, Castle. Write. 3_

He grinned at his phone. Oooh, a heart! He'd only received that a few times via text from her before. She was probably expecting that that would suffice and he would stop texting her. With a resigned sigh, he decided to count himself lucky she'd replied to him at all, and put his phone back on the desk. More writing then.

* * *

Lunch arrived two hours and thirteen minutes later. He was counting. And his stomach was growling, but he'd made this little silent pact with himself that he wouldn't eat until his phone pinged a new text from her because it would be like them getting to share lunch together, as he most loved doing. He wouldn't reveal that to her, maybe not yet anyway. But still, he was relieved when it pinged and she gave him a status update:

_ On lunch break now. Not much more to say about the case… currently tracking down the boss's cousin. What are you eating?_

He opened the fridge. There could be only one response.

_Leftovers. _

He began to pull stuff out of the fridge to try and get something going.

_Don't let yourself forget to eat, Rick. _

Her reply sent a little wave of happiness through him. She could read his mind… sometimes he really did think they had some sort of telepathy. He forgot often that she'd had just as much time to study his habits and learn about his little quirks as he did hers. Maybe she didn't do as much digging into his life, but she was observant, and in addition to that being part of her job, that's part of what made her wonderful.

_I won't forget._

* * *

After lunch he attempted to write again. It was slow going. He was thoroughly stuck. It was slavish work. Some days writing just came to him, but it felt like he was working on that dead-end case that Beckett had, only in writing form. He grabbed a spare notepad and wrote down the details he knew from the case, and suppressed the urge to phone Kate to find out the rest. He wasn't coming up with anything either…

The hours ticked by, and it got later, and later… he was sitting on the couch with the X-Box running, the laptop, open, but all but abandoned on the coffee table in front of him. Twilight had already fallen and it was almost dark, when she walked through the door. He stumbled over himself trying to turn off the tv at the same time as revive his laptop to pretend he was writing, _and _standing up to greet Beckett.

She spotted him and instantly saw through his act. She gave him a _seriously?_ look and took off her coat, but the teasing light didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Kate?" he stood up and went over to her.

"Hey Rick," she sighed. His arms came up to encircle her waist but she stopped him.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. How many words did you write?"

He paused and cringed.

"Um… 1,700 about…"

She sighed and looked less disapproving, more… disappointed. Almost for her own sake. Ugh, he hated disappointing her. He should have tried harder.

"You're going to have to do better than that," she said.

"But you were gone all day and… you're my muse," he protested.

"That's not the problem, and you know it," she said, taking off her shoes and moving towards the kitchen.

He ignored that comment and followed her as she headed towards the fridge,

"Are you hungry? Let me help you make dinner!"

"No… no Castle. You're going to finish your writing."

"But, I wrote all day!"

"Clearly not."

"But I tried. I did. I swear."

Kate turned around to face him in front of the fridge.

"What's the problem then?" it wasn't an interrogating question, more of a tired, concerned one.

"I…" Castle sighed, "I have writers block. And my characters won't behave. And… I miss you. It's distracting."

She nodded and stepped a step closer, taking his hand.

"Ok… I'm going to make you some brownies."

"Brownies?" Castle half exclaimed. Not the statement he was expecting.

"Yes. Brownies."

"Why?" he asked, confusion written on his face.

Kate shrugged.

"Just because. But you have to go sit down and write."

Castle squinted. Something was wrong. Something was different… he could tell there was something brewing right at the surface, right beneath her skin. Something had happened, but she wasn't saying it, instead she was insisting he write and telling him that she was going to make him brownies and…

"Well… will you come sit with me? After you make the brownies?"

"Will it help you to write?" she asked, in earnest.

"Yes it will," he replied.

"Ok."

"Ok," he smiled and leaned forward to kiss her. But she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"No kissing until you reach your 4,000 word goal."

"What!?" he almost yelled.

"You heard me," she said.

"But that's… that's… really mean!" he blurted out.

"I am making you brownies. Now go sit down."

"Ok…" he relented.

She went about making brownies, rummaging in the cupboard until she found the ingredients she was looking for. Ok, so she wasn't going for the box… she was going homemade. Those were going to be some good brownies.

Castle focused as best he could on writing, listening to the sounds of the baking behind him, mixed with Beckett getting leftovers out of the fridge to heat up for dinner. He could already smell the cocoa. He forced the words out of his fingers and onto the page. Brownies. Kissing. Things to work towards, and things to write for.

Slowly but surely, his wordcount began to climb.

"The brownies are done! Also, leftovers," Kate called to him.

"Ok!" he said, finishing his sentence and then getting up to go sit down at the table. He sat at the head where he usually sat and Kate settled on his left.

"Mmmm… these are really nice brownies," he said, as soon as he'd taken his first bite.

"I'm glad you like them," she said softly, with an almost sad smile. In fact, as he looked deeper at her clouded eyes, he could see that it was a sad look after all. He swallowed.

"These brownies, are they like… um… well, I mean," he fumbled for words. She reached over and covered his hand with her own.

"My mom would make this recipe for me whenever I felt bad," she admitted, in a soft tone of voice, drawing her thumb in tiny circles over the back of his hand. "If I was sad, or having trouble with my homework… she did it with the homework a lot. They're incentive, but they were also a bright spot that reminded me that even when life sucked… I was loved."

There was no grandeur in her voice, just a quiet, wistful remembrance. Castle felt his own gaze growing soft and turned her hand in his and gave it a light squeeze.

"So these are symbolic brownies for you?"

"Yeah. I mean… hopefully they help with the writer's block."

He smiled.

"I think they already are."

He leaned down and before she could move away, kissed the back of her hand.

"That's cheating," she said.

"Yeah, probably. It's almost cheating. I'm at 2,698! I'm getting there."

She only smiled in return. There was still a lingering something in her eyes, but he figured he could wait for that to come out on its own, and finished the rest of his dinner and brownies.

After, he went back to the couch. Kate followed a moment later, sitting down next to him, their entire sides touching, his right to her left. She pulled her legs up underneath her on the couch, wrapped her left arm around his back, and lay her head against his shoulder. He sighed a sigh of contentment.

"Better?" she asked.

"Much better. Maybe I'll actually be able to get something more done now."

She snuggled in closer.

"Four thousand words. You can do this. You used to do this all the time."

"I know… I'll finish it. Promise not to read it over my shoulder though. I want it to be a surprise."

"Ok," she replied.

He began to write, and with her warm presence at his side and her arm wrapped around his shoulder he slowly felt the writer's block begin to dissipate. He began typing, deciding to switch scenes to write about Nikki and Rook in a similar situation, after a long day of work and separation. He wrote about what that felt like. And as he worked through it, the words came to him.

With 800 words to go he sneaked a quick kiss to her forehead in there.

"Hey!" she said, lifting her head off his shoulder.

"I'm almost there," he said, with a smile and nudged her head back.

"Ok," she sighed.

Ten minutes later, with his fingers practically flying over the keys, he had reached four thousand words. He clicked save about 5 times, shut the laptop and put it on the table, then immediately turned and pressed his lips to hers. She kissed him back in a sweet, gentle sort of way and brushed her fingertips through his hair. If this is what accomplishment felt like he'd be willing to write as much as she wanted him to. He stopped and rested his forehead on hers.

"Finished," he whispered, smiling.

"I can see that."

They turned to face each other on the couch and he brought his hand up to cup her cheek, brushing his thumb over her cheekbone. He examined her for a moment.

"Not a good day?"

She nodded, sadness in her eyes.

"You could say that. It was… a difficult day."

"Did you find any leads?"

"Yeah," she took a deep breath, "Yeah, there was this lead about the victim's cousin, who we'd been trying to track down. We finally found the guy in an apartment holding the victim's young daughter hostage. She was nine."

Castle took a deep breath.

"Right… so what happened?"

"We um… we got the daughter out, and got the cousin, who is now in custody and confessed to the murder. But… in the process of hostage negotiations he shot the little girl in the arm."

She let out a shaky breath.

I was right there too… I just… I could have stopped it. But it happened in front of my eyes and I was too late, and I wasn't fast enough."

Castle pulled her to him, and hugged her tightly as tears slipped down her cheeks.

"I know how that feels," he said. The reality of his words sank in.

"I know. I know you know. I wish you were there," she clung closer to him.

"Me too. I would have liked to help. How long was it until you were able to get to her?"

"About ten minutes before we could actually help the girl. She was losing a lot of blood. She ended up on the carpet in the living room in the house by the time it was over, and after they put the cousin in handcuffs I went over the girl – held her… tried to quell the bleeding."

"What's her name?" Castle asked.

"Hannah."

He sighed, the similarity of the little girl's name to Kate's mother, not lost on him.

"I rode with her in the ambulance on the way to the children's hospital. She was scared, kept calling out for her mom. She had to have been in shock. Her mom died a year ago from cancer. Her dad took it hard and started gambling. The cousin got word of it and decided to take matters into his own hands by striking deals to try and him out of trouble. That's when the cousin got involved with drug dealers, and Hannah's dad got shot."

Castle was silent for a long moment, his heart aching for Kate, and for Hannah.

"You saw yourself in her didn't you?"

"Nine. She was nine. I was so much older when my mom died… I had my dad, and friends. Hannah's nine and she's lost everyone. And now she's got months of therapy, both physically, and probably mentally. She might not ever be a normal kid again."

"Ever? But shouldn't there be somebody she can go to at least? Other family?"

"Yeah, I don't know, she might get put into foster care, or put up for adoption. Stuff like this… it changes people."

"Sometimes… it makes them better. In the end," he whispered, his fingers in her hair detangling what little knots he found there.

"All I could think about is 'what if it had been me?'" she whispered back. "What if I was the mom… what if she was my kid that got shot? What would that feel like, if it was my own child bleeding there in my arms?"

Perhaps he hadn't expected those words. So she thought about children then? Having her own?

"Do you think about kids a lot?"

"Often. When there's a victim, and there's a family… I've always been part of a small family anyway, and was perpetually envious of families with lots of kids growing up. When my mom died it's like that stopped, instead I resented the fact that other people had each other. It kept a lot of people out for a long time. Including you."

"I understand," Castle said.

"I'm still so sorry. I mean look at Hannah? A few weeks ago she was an innocent little kid… imagine if she turned out like that?"

"Any little girl would be blessed to turn out like you. You broke through those walls. It makes you caring… sweet," he admitted.

"No," she sighed, "I think it was you that broke through those walls more than anybody else. Without you I'd probably still be doing the exact same thing, hiding away, never letting anybody too close to my heart."

They were already as close as they could be, but Castle wrapped his arms tighter around her and kissed her where her neck met her shoulder a few times, burying his face in her skin for a moment.

"I think you would have found a way out eventually. When I saw you with that little girl we saved who had been kidnapped by her aunt, back in the first year we met I started to really see the depth of your softer side."

"I forget you saw those things sometimes… I'm not really sure why."

"Probably because there's a lot of things I just never got around to telling you about. Things I made note of in my own head."

Kate hummed her acknowledgement of his statement as she shifted lay her head against his shoulder. He was quiet, as was she, for a minute.

"If I were to be a mom, I would spend as much time as I could trying to remember everything I could about my child's growing up. I feel like I've forgotten stuff about when I was a kid… things my mom did, or said, and things I did. Sometimes all that's left is pictures, videos, and memories. If you don't write anything down, some of it gets lost. And I'd do anything to have those memories back."

"You know, I think that's part of why I write… or at least why I started writing Nikki Heat. It was a mystery. You were a mystery, and it just fueled my inspiration, but there were little things I wanted to remember… about the way you looked at me, or the way you acted in certain situations. And I wrote those in the form of Nikki Heat so I wouldn't forget."

"Did it help you remember?" she asked.

"It did," he replied. "And… Kate? If. I mean… if you wanted kids – I. I think you'd be a fantastic mom. You wouldn't have to worry." His voice was hesitant, but filled with absolute certainty that almost stunned her. She lifted her head, and pulled back to look into his eyes – and all she saw there was love, and hope, and a trust that quieted her aching soul.

"Yeah?" she said, bringing her palm to his cheek and running her thumb just under his eye.

"Yeah," he said and leaned forward to brush his lips against hers.

"Someday you might be right about that," she murmured, so softly that he wasn't even sure he'd heard it at first.

He held her tighter, and she let the weight of the day fall from her shoulders, silenced her questions and let everything drop until the only thing that remained was the reassurance she craved, and the promise of a future.

A few minutes later, he whispered,

"Someday," against her lips. It was more than a whisper, more than a hope.

_It was a promise._

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Do review - I'd love to get your thoughts about how in-character, or out of character this seems! I will be uploading the next chapter soon! **


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok, so there are aspects of this which have been done before. But... I'm just going to go with it. Hope you enjoy! **

* * *

**Finding it All**

**Chapter 1**

_Three and a half years later…_

Kate sighed a tired, but not unhappy sigh, and leaned back against the headrest of the airplane seat as she waited for her flight to take off. Home… she was finally going home, and she couldn't wait. Her month long mission had finally ended, and it was the longest she'd gone without seeing Castle, her friends, or her family in the past four years.

A woman sat down next to her, perhaps the same age as Kate, holding her son, a little boy of about two and a half, with sandy brown hair. Kate smiled at the woman, who was wrestling with the little one as she tried to put her bag under the chair. Kate almost reached an arm out to help, but figured the woman could manage on her own. Soon enough she sat down, with her son on her lap and though he squirmed, she managed to get him to sit still. Even before the plane took off, his eyelids were drooping, and he quickly fell asleep.

"Sorry for his squirming and screaming a moment ago," his mother said softly.

Kate smiled back at the woman.

"No problem, I totally understand." Kate looked at the little boy asleep in his mother's arms and felt a twinge in her heart. Soon. Soon she would be home.

"I'm Jessica," the woman said, seeming to want to have a conversation.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Kate. I'd shake your hand but…"

Jessica laughed,

"Yes, my hands are otherwise occupied." Jessica held onto her son tightly, with one arm, and stroked her other hand through his hair.

"Chase – my son - is so tired, worn out from all the travelling!" she commented.

Kate smiled a wistful smile,

"He reminds me of my own little one."

"You have kids too?" Jessica's face lit up.

"Just one son, Hunter, and a step-daughter, Alexis, who's twenty-two now."

"How old is Hunter?" Jessica asked.

"He's just over two. I haven't seen him or my husband in a month," she admitted, "I'm so anxious to get home."

"A month!" Jessica said, raising her eyebrows in surprise, "How come?"

"I was here in London for work. We did video chats almost every night. It wasn't the same, but, at least it was something."

Jessica nodded,

"We do the same thing with my mom… I live in Illinois, but she lives in Nebraska. Chase's dad isn't in the picture… and we don't have relatives nearby, so it's good for him to have some connection to his gram."

Kate smiled again, and instinctively looked down to her own wedding band, grateful for Castle, for her son, and for all they had together. She could only imagine how difficult it would be to raise a son by herself.

She and Jessica chatted a little more, but she found herself becoming more and more tired by the minute. Soon, their conversation waned, and Kate lay her head against the pillow, and with the thought that maybe if she slept, she'd be able to see her family sooner, she fell into a deep sleep. Perhaps there was another hidden apprehension there… left over from the stress of the case. But she tucked it deep inside her and ignored her worries. It was over. She was on her way home. Soon, she'd be with them. The sooner, the better.

* * *

A harsh jolt bumped Kate to awareness as she was catapulted to awareness by the turbulence the plane was experiencing. She jerked forward, getting minor whiplash as her head slammed back into the cushions. She looked around with bleary eyes.

Jessica and Chase were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they'd gotten up and gone to the lavatory.

A moment later, as Kate was rubbing at her head, one of the flight attendants, a man of about 5'11", around thirty years old walked up to her chair, and said,

"Mrs. Castle?"

"Yes?" she looked up.

"You've been promoted to first class."

Ok, the last time this happened, Castle had showed up on the plane. Her heart tripped in her chest at the possibility of that happening a second time, but she wouldn't count her eggs before they hatched.

She nodded, reached to grab her purse from beneath the chair in front of her and followed the flight attendant to first class.

He showed her to her seat, but there were two empty seats. No Castle then. Ah well… soon enough she'd be back. Just a little bit longer.

"Sit down here, Mrs. Castle," he said.

"Ok. Thanks," she replied and sat herself down.

She got comfortable, but just as she was about to fall asleep she felt a sudden, harsh prick at the back of her neck. Ouch! She went to sit up, but found she couldn't move. No! It felt like a syringe.

Everything in her started to burn, she felt as if she were on fire, but she was drifting and drifting closer towards unconsciousness. She wanted to call out, wanted to be able to move, but she couldn't even move a finger. Everything felt as if it were held down by a giant weight, as if she were crushed.

If she could cry out, she would cry out his name. As it was, he was still thousands of miles away yet. Still, it didn't stop her mind from reaching for him as everything went black.

_Castle. Help me._

* * *

Waking from a fitful catnap on the plane, Kate mused as the captain called they'd be coming in for a landing in a moment. Weird dreams. But there was a niggling feeling at the back of her head like it wasn't important, and she couldn't really remember them anyway.

Fifteen minutes to go... It had been an uneventful flight, completely silent. Kate pulled her phone out of her pocket, and held it in her hand so she could text Castle, who was scheduled to pick her up from the airport.  
Another twenty minutes and they had landed, taxied to the gate, and she'd retrieved her bags. She was so ready to get off the plane. It was slow going, so she rattled off that text.

_Getting off the plane right now. Meet me at the baggage claim?_

His reply came not two minutes later.

_Got it. We'll be there._

We? Maybe he was bringing Alexis with him. Kate hauled her purse higher up on the shoulder and waited expectantly to get off the stuffy plane. It was time to go home.

* * *

Finally in the baggage claim, twelve minutes later, she rolled her carry-on, and searched for Castle's face in the crowd of passengers and those greeting them. It was all a blur of loud motion, and she pulled her suitcase over to the side to walk along to see if Castle was on the other side of the baggage claim. She scanned the faces before her and then, suddenly, she saw him at the opposite side. He too was scanning the crowd, his face intent as he searched for her, but he looked up and across at the same time, and when his gaze met hers a giant flood had been released and a smile came over his face unlike any other she had seen. All of a sudden she couldn't breathe – she didn't know she would be this excited to see him, _could_ be this excited at seeing him again. She quickly began to make her way over to the other side, and he moved along the edge, fast, and unencumbered. It was as if he couldn't wait to be by her side.

Within a few seconds they got to each other - Kate walking towards him, as he just beamed at her, but he practically ran forward, reached for her and wrapped her in his arms, holding her impossibly close to his chest, slamming his lips into hers. She couldn't react – she didn't know how. She couldn't breathe, she could barely even move; a billion questions swirled in her brain. She had only felt it once before, but oh, how she had replayed that night in her head. How she had remembered what it felt like when he sank his fingers into her hair, and pulled her closer.

But this… this was completely different. The way he kissed her – it was like he knew every part of her, knew what made her brain spin, and her knees go weak. How? How was that even possible? What was he even doing? And why did he think he could do it in the first place?

"I missed you, I missed you," he said in between kisses. What? She wasn't even gone for a weekend, yet she could taste the desperation on his lips, the determination, the relief. Gathering the shock and what remaining strength she had, she set her hand on his clavicle and pushed him away with as much gentleness as she could muster.

"Castle?" she gasped out, "I don't understand. What…" but before she could get any further, something small and fast barreled into the back of her legs, latching on and yelling a high-pitched, excited shriek of,

"Mommy!"

Kate nearly stumbled backwards but Castle caught her before she could.

"Hunter!" he exclaimed in somewhat mock disapproval, and Kate looked down to see a tiny toddler clinging to her legs.

Alexis appeared, and reached forward grabbing the little boy from his death grip on Kate's calves, and holding him squirming in her arms.

"No! No, let me go!"

Castle looked from them back to Kate, who disentangled herself from his arms and pushed away from him, backing up a few steps.

"Castle… what. What's going on? I don't understand."

Castle quickly grew alarmed,

"What do you mean? You're home. Finally!"

"No, Castle, I don't…" she looked at the little boy, who yelled 'mommy' again and reached out his arms in her direction, beginning to cry. "That's not my kid. I don't have kids."

Castle's eyes were wider and more terrified than she'd ever seen them before.

"Yes you do," he said, too quiet. "You do. His name is Hunter, and he's right here, and he's both of ours."

Kate shook her head again, feeling lightheaded and a bit sick.

"No. No, I don't understand what's going on," she said.

He reached forward with his right hand and took her left in his.

"Kate, I need you to tell me the last thing you remember. Please be totally honest. What was it? What's the last case we worked?"

"I remember… you ran off with that Ethan Slaughter. Nearly got yourself killed. I think that was the last case. Why-"

He cut her off,

"What year is it?"

"2012," she replied, without hesitation.

He let out a sigh as if he'd just been punched in the chest.

"Oh Kate," he said.

"Castle what is it? What's going on?"

Beside them, in Alexis's arms, Hunter still was crying. Alexis rocked him back and forth, trying to console him.

"Kate. I think you've lost your memory. It's 2016."

Kate went stock still, panic rising in her throat. Castle held on to her hand tightly.

"I… that's not possible! Castle stop! It's not a joke!"

"No, it's not. Kate, look!" he dragged her over to the flatscreen TV displaying the departure and arrival times of the flights. "Look at the date."

April. Ok. It was April 21st, 2016. No! This was not ok! Kate felt as if she were going to be sick, and she grew lightheaded.

"I feel sick," she told him, "where's the nearest bathroom?"

He looked around.

"Um…"

Alexis jumped in,

"It's out through those doors. I went there earlier with Hunter while we were waiting. I can show you if you want."

"Just point me in the right direction," Kate said.

"Down that hallway and to the right," Alexis filled in.

"I'm going to walk with you there," Castle said, not relinquishing his hold on her hand.

"I can go on my own."

"No," he said, his voice calm, but a steely determination resting beneath it.

"Ok," Kate said and the two of them made their way over to the hallway. They were silent, but she could feel his pulse beating wildly in his wrist where their hands were joined.

They reached the bathroom.

"I'll wait for you here," he said, as if he was afraid she might leave.

She gave him a half concerned, half angry look the nodded a curt nod, going into the bathroom.

Once in the ladies room, everything hit her, and she felt as if she were going to throw up. She ran into one of the stalls, leaning over the toilet for a good seven or eight minutes, but nothing came.

How? How could this be happening. When she finally managed to push the sickness back down, she came out of the stall, washed her hands, and looked at herself in the mirror. She felt her heart sink. 2016… that was four years past when she thought it was. She could see the difference – not so much in ageing, she still looked fantastic, but in the look in her own eyes that spoke of the passage of time, and her haircut. Her hair had been dyed a honey-golden color. When she'd left it was a darker brown. Ok, so her hair had been recolored without her knowing it. But that didn't mean she'd lost her memory, had it?

She looked at herself in the mirror and thought back to the toddler, Hunter. What if it was some sort of cruel joke? Could it be that someone was punking her? Castle had seemed distant, but he hadn't ever in all of the years she'd known him, seemed as cold-hearted as that. To make her think she'd lost her memory, to make her think that they were together, that they'd had a kid together.

Kate suddenly looked down to her left hand. If they were together then… oh. There it was – a golden wedding band on her ring finger, with the complimenting ring shining with simple, elegant diamonds. Her heart hammered in her chest. Married. To him. She didn't realize how panicky the thought could make her. She didn't even know how to process that information, all she could focus on was denial. It had to be a trick. However cruel – he couldn't do this. It couldn't be real.

Her fingers trembling, she reached for the rings and as gently as possible, took them off her finger. She held them in her palm for a moment. Holding her breath, she lifted the wedding band and looked on the inside to see if there was anything written there. She froze when she read it. One word.

_Always._

She felt her eyes well up with tears and couldn't do anything to stop a few of them from slipping down her cheeks. As gently as she had taken them off, Kate put the rings back on her finger, and walked out of the bathroom.

Castle was there waiting for her, his eyes wide and concerned.

"Are you ok? Do you need anything?" he reached forward and lay a comforting hand on her arm.

"No. I'm good," she replied, still teary eyed.

They took a few steps to the side, clear of the doorway.

"Kate," he whispered.

She held out her left hand to him, showing him the rings.

"Are these… are they… are we…?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Oh."

They were silent for a moment. Then he said,

"You're my wife." It was as if he'd never been surer of anything in the world. She felt her heart snap in two, flooding with emotion – all of the emotions – both for and against this man who spoke with such conviction.

"I can't remember," she said, tears falling again.

"Can you think of why? Did you hit your head? Did anything happen while you were overseas?"

Castle brought his other hand to her opposite arm, longing to hold her close to him, but she had pushed him away once, and there was nothing stopping her from pushing him away again.

"I don't know. I can't remember. I just remember getting on the plane in London, heading home. I'm not sure I can even recall details from the case."

"Ok… ok. Can I see your phone?"

Kate dug her phone out of her pocket and handed it to him. He unlocked it and checked the recent calls. His brow furrowed when he discovered that all recent calls had been cleared.

"I'm going to call Ryan and Espo," he stated, "they might have an idea of what happened to you."

"Were they in contact with me before I left?"

"They said they were. You were supposed to meet them back at the precinct on Wednesday. Today's Monday."

Kate nodded.

"Ok. Do what you have to do."

Castle got out his phone, and dialed Esposito.

"Esposito," he answered the phone.

"Espo, it's Castle."

"Hey, Castle, what's up? Beckett make it in ok?"

"Yeah… about that. Did either you, Ryan, or Captain Gates call her before she got on the plane in London?"

"Um… Ryan might have. I know Gates didn't, unless she called on her cell. She's got a scheduled day off today."

"Ok, well can you get Ryan for me?"

"Sure, hang on."

There was some shuffling on the other end of the line, and then Esposito said,

"You're on speaker. Ok, go."

"Ryan? Did you call Beckett before she got on the plane in London?"

"No. Why?"

"No reason, we've just got a minor problem here. Did anybody else phone her?"

"If they did, I don't know about it," Ryan replied.

"Ok. Can you check into her phone records? I'll phone you later."

"Sure. Is everything ok, though?" Ryan asked.

"It will be," Castle replied.

"Ok. We'll talk to you later," Ryan said.

"See ya, Castle," Esposito echoed, and hung up.

Castle put his phone away and turned to Kate.

"Ok. So neither of them called you. How about your contacts in London? Did you speak to anybody there? Did anything happen on the plane?"

"I don't… I just don't remember, Castle. I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's ok. We'll find out what happened," Castle said, his hand still on her arm.

"No it's not ok. It's not ok, Castle," she said, her eyes full of fear.

"Kate," he pleaded with her, stepping closer, "if you still think it's 2012, then at the very least I'm still your friend. And I l-" he paused, "I care about you."

She looked up at him, trying to read his face.

"We don't have to deal with all of it right now… I can have Alexis take Hunter home in a taxi. We can go out to a diner or something, and talk about it."

She really didn't want to be alone.

"Alright. Ok. We can do that," she nodded.

"But first we need to go back to Alexis and Hunter. And Hunter… he's going to want you."

"You want to know if I can handle that," Kate said.

"Yes, I mean…" Castle turned away and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "It's not supposed to be like this."

Kate felt more tears prick at her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"No," he turned back to her quickly and without thinking, enveloped her in a hug. This time, Kate hugged him back. He was an anchor, despite the confusion. "No. You're going to be ok. It's not your fault."

"But what if it is?" she said against his neck.

"Then we'll get through it together." He held her tighter and she too wrapped her arms more securely around his neck.

After a moment, Castle let her go and they went back to the terminal, where Alexis and Hunter sat in two of the chairs by the window, Hunter standing up and leaning against the back of the chair, pounding his tiny palms against the glass at passerbys on the sidewalk.

Kate paused about 20 feet away as Alexis looked up. Castle held up a hand to his daughter to stay where she was.

"Kate?" he questioned.

"Just… let me watch him for a moment," she said.

"Ok."

Kate observed Hunter, taking in his features. He had wavy honey-brown hair slightly darker than the current color her own hair was dyed that looked incredibly soft, and as he turned, not yet noticing her, she could see bright, happy blue eyes. He had been dressed in burgundy pants and sneakers, complimented by a grey-blue button up shirt. As he turned to exclaim something to Alexis, his face changed into a scowl that reminded her of Castle. Then Alexis poked his nose and his face spread back into a sunbeam of cheerfulness again.

She looked at Castle again, aiming to compare Hunter to him, but she stopped at the soft smile on Castle's face.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing, it's just that you had the exact same look on your face when he was born. Seeing him for the first time. Look, I have pictures on my phone!" Castle took his phone out again and flipped through pictures until he found the ones he wanted.

"Can you wait to show me those?" Kate asked, laying a hand on his arm.

"Yeah… yeah sure. We don't have to look at them now."

"Thanks," Kate said, nodding awkwardly.

She turned back to look at Hunter. Being honest with herself – he was a handsome, handsome baby. His face shone with distinctive Castle-esque features, but she noticed his nose looked like hers did when she was young, and the way he held himself reminded her more of herself than of Castle.

She walked towards them and Castle followed at her side. Hunter looked up when he saw them approaching, his smile turning into a full-blown grin. Alexis held out a hand to hold him back from jumping off the chair as he exclaimed,

"Mommy!" and raised his arms to be held.

Kate paused and thought about how she was going to do this. Slowly squat down in front of him and lay your hand on his arm? Sit next to him without touching him? Stay standing and just not touch him? She decided to just go for it. He was starting to whimper, 'mommy, mommy' over and over again, more and more desperate to be held. So she reached down swiftly and grabbed him under the arms, lifting him up and holding him to her chest as he flung his small arms around her neck and buried his face in her shoulder.

"Mommy," he breathed in a happy sigh against her skin, and pressed a few sloppy kisses against her neck, and cheek. "I miss you," he explained.

She felt her heart stutter, and felt almost as if she might drop the boy from the way her arms felt weak.

"Well… I'm here now," she said, her voice shaky.

She felt another surprise as Castle instinctively came up at her side and reached around to lay his hand on her hip, leaning down around her to put his other hand on Hunter's back, kissing the top of Hunter's head. Kate stood very still as Castle rubbed his thumb in small circles on her hip, as he simultaneously rubbed his hand over Hunter's back. She wondered if he even knew he was doing it. Maybe he was doing it to make her go crazy. That was probably it.

"Are you hungry, Hunter?" Castle asked, "How about you, Alexis?"

"Yeah, I could definitely use a bite to eat," Alexis replied. And Hunter perked up,

"Eat? We have lunch?" he said.

"That's right," Castle replied, kissing his son's forehead again.

Kate held the boy in her arms and wondered if she should set him down. She still had no idea what to do with all of this.

"I'll take him if he'll come to me," Castle said softly, and held out his arms to Hunter. "Want to come with Daddy and we'll get some lunch?"

Hunter groaned and buried his face in Kate's shoulder again.

"I'll take that as a no," Castle said.

"No lunch?" Hunter said moaned pitifully, turning to look at his father, yet not relinquishing his hold on his mother.

"Not if you don't let Daddy hold you."

"Mommy," Hunter said, and tightened his hold on Kate.

"Mommy will come too," Castle supplied. Kate guessed they were changing the diner plans.

"It's ok. I'll carry him to the car," Kate said.

"Are you sure?" Castle asked. He could see the hesitation in her eyes.

"It's ok. I've had experience with kids before."

Castle pursed his lips into a thin line and then after a moment, nodded.

"Ok. But let me know if it gets to be too much."

He'd always been perceptive when it came to her, perhaps that was part of why she kept so many of her true feelings hidden. She was scared of letting it all out there. But now he seemed even more perceptive, and she was struck with the same feeling as when he had kissed her just minutes before. It was like he knew every part of her. There was a larger part of her heart than she'd like to admit that was stunned and somewhat pleased about the way it made her feel.

"I will," she said.

That seemed to suffice, and with another nod, he grabbed her carryon bag, and they headed out the sliding glass doors and into the bright, April sunlight.

* * *

Kate kept her hold on Hunter tight, and protective. Even with her brain spinning, and everything colliding, her maternal instincts still kicked in, and she took extra precaution as she crossed at the cross-walk, and as she scanned the cars and busses and taxis, waiting for their moment to run across to the parking garage. She could sense Hunter's need for his mother, for her, if she was indeed his mother and this wasn't some sort of crazy dream, and she could feel it in the way he'd latched onto her like she was his anchor. It made her heart physically hurt, and she still felt a bit dizzy, but there was something in the way his soft hair rubbed against her neck and the way his mouth blew tiny puffs of air against her shoulder that anchored her as well.

The walk to Castle's silver Audi was short, and when they reached the car, Kate opened the back passenger door, and spoke in calm tones to Hunter.  
"Ok Hunter, I have to put you in your car-seat now, then you can go get lunch."  
"No, no, Mommy! I stay with you!"  
Castle took this as his cue to walk around from the driver's side to assist Kate. Silently he reached forward, and without any bribing or bargaining, pried Hunter's hands from their hold in Kate's shirt. He then put Hunter as he began to cry, into his carseat, and in three deft motions buckling the seat belts in place.

"Hunter," he said, low and gentle, "Mommy is staying in the car with us now. We are going to go get lunch."

Hunter looked up at both of them with watery eyes and Alexis commented from where she'd taken her seat beside him,

"Wow, that is pitiful."

"Cut the kid a break – he hasn't seen his mom in a month," Castle said, more on Hunter's side than he'd at first seemed. Kate's breath caught in her throat. A month… she'd been gone for a month. That would explain Castle's desperation, Hunter's clinginess, and the way Alexis smiled at her when she'd seen her there. There they all were, smiling, and so overjoyed to see her, and needing her, and overwhelmed with excitement that seemed to run in the family - but she couldn't remember anything, and it was too much. She couldn't breathe because the air was thick with it.

Alexis looked a little hurt, even though she knows her father didn't mean it.

"I'm sorry," Castle said, and squeezed Alexis's shoulder for a brief moment. He then stroked a finger down Hunter's cheek and dropped a kiss to his forehead. "I'm sorry. Don't cry," he said. Hunter was only a little bit consoled.

He turned and stood up, and found himself face to face with Kate, and oh. The look on her face cut straight into his heart. He almost apologized again, but thought better of it, and instead reached out to lightly put his hand at her elbow – to be a support to her.

"We'll go to the diner still. I just have to get Alexis and Hunter settled at home."

_Home_. She didn't even want to think of the implications of the word, with the way her head hurt, and with how hard it was to breathe.

"Ok," she nodded, and satisfied enough, Castle went around to the other side of the car and they both got in.

He was driving before she even knew it, and she couldn't remember getting her seatbelt on, though it was there. He switched on the radio and classical FM came lightly through the speakers. She had never pegged him as a big classical lover. Certainly he seemed to have an appreciation for it, but never enough to put it on in the car driving back from an airport. But then she realized, that Hunter's crying started to dissipate as soon as he put it on. She glanced in the rear-view window at the boy, and was surprised to find the baby's own eyes there, looking back at her. He blinked, slowly, once.

"Mama," he said, so soft that she nearly missed it. She gave him the slightest upturns of the lips, wondering if he could even see it. But apparently he could, because his face curved into a grin. An innocent, joyous grin, and oh, how that hurt. Kate grabbed the armrest of her chair and took a deep breath and tried to steady herself.

"Alexis, will you help Hunter with a happy meal if we get one?" Castle said.

"Sure. Going to the drive-through then?"

"Yes. It'll be at least another twenty minutes, with the way traffic is shaping up. I'll drop you and Hunter back at the loft. Then Kate and I are going to Remy's."

"Ok," Alexis said, a little too cheerful, but she was obviously trying very hard not to disturb the delicate balance they all seemed to be hanging in. She showed a maturity, Kate noticed that certainly hadn't been there the last time she remembered. It wasn't that Alexis had ever been immature. It's just that now, she had gained a few more years of time to the way she spoke. The way she reacted.

Kate didn't say anything, but after a moment, Castle turned to look at her and asked,

"Remy's ok?"

"That's fine," she replied, with a forced smile.

"Ok," he said, with worried eyes, and looked back at the road.

* * *

Twenty minutes seemed to take an age, but at the very least, after McDonald's, the drive back to the loft was familiar. Not much had changed, except some construction had been finished on the highway, and that was chilling proof of her situation. There was no way it could have been completed so quickly unless several years really had passed.

When they drove up to his building, she went to get out, but Castle lay a hand on her arm.

"No, you stay. It'll just take a minute to get Alexis inside with Hunter."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, with a gentle smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Ok," she said, and he and Alexis both got out. Castle went around and got Hunter out of his carseat. The boy went willingly at the prospect of getting to eat, and Kate noticed they deliberately avoided any mention of 'Mommy'. They disappeared inside the building, and she sat in the car, waiting, feeling the air become stuffy with the bright sunlight and the horrible waiting feeling.

* * *

It took longer than a few minutes. It took about ten. He came back out of the building with this apologetic look on his face. She forgave him instantly, without knowing she was doing it. Something in his eyes calmed her heart, as he always had. She took a deep breath as he got back into the car.

"You ok?" he asked her point blank.

"Let's get to Remy's, ok? And then we'll talk. And I'll let you know."

He nodded and started the car again. They were silent on the five minute drive to Remy's, but he kept stealing glances at her, as if he were afraid she might burst, or drown, or anything. He'd always been one for creepy staring, so it wasn't too out of the ordinary. What was out of the ordinary was her remarkable willpower to ignore it.

They got out of the car and went into the diner. They both ordered their favored sandwiches and shakes without having to look at the menu. When their food was in front of them, and they had both ordered coffee, she finally spoke.

"Castle, I don't know what happened. And I'm sorry, but in my mind I just… I went to London to help with a case. Something about tracking down a guy there and helping INTERPOL? It was big. I probably wasn't supposed to be there at all, and all the details are a little fuzzy. But I came back with the info that was needed, we caught the killer… there wasn't much to it. I did my job, I phoned you to pick me up at the airport, I got on a plane in London, and I came home."

Castle took a deep breath and looked across at her with and open look in his eyes. Like he would listen to anything.

"Some of that is the same as what happened on my end," he said.

"You mean, your version of what you think happened?" she asked.

"I'm not telling you you're wrong, Kate," he prefaced. "But… I haven't seen you in a month. You left because it was dangerous for you to stay here – among other reasons. We've been here securing things at the homefront, making it safe again, and you were there tracking leads and finalizing details. This wasn't a weekend deal."

"Ok, then what was it? Because the last thing I remember, you were running off with some other cop, trying to I don't know, tell me that you could handle yourself on your own, then and the next thing I know, I come back from this trip and you tell me we're married and there's this kid there, and…" she paused, unable to continue, feeling the words stuck in her throat.

"And it's a lot to take in," Castle said.

Kate nodded and avoided looking at him. Anywhere but at him.

"I need you to tell me what you know. What you can remember, at least so maybe we can figure out how to fix this."

"Yeah, but where does that leave me? Where does that leave us?" She looked at him now, and he held her gaze.

"Do you want to remember?" he asked.

"I - I don't want it to feel like this. It's like I'm somehow…" she paused, searching for the right words, "displaced."

Castle sighed.

"I don't think I need to tell you what I want. You probably already know."

"You want me to remember."

"Of course I do. But I don't want you to feel like you have to… at least not right away. But you're not in this alone. I'm here, and I will be here for you until you sort out what you want to do about this."

Kate stilled at his words, and gave in to the instinct to hold his hand, across the table. She reached across and let her fingers slide into place across his, and he squeezed back, instant, warm, and secure.

"I don't know how to treat you," she whispered. She could feel the metal of his wedding band underneath her fingers. She couldn't begin to categorize the emotions it made her feel.

"Don't think about it then," he said, and rubbed his thumb in small circles over the back of her hand. It was a comforting motion, but it spoke of years of familiarity.

"I can't not think about it, Castle. It's like travelling to the future… It's not meant to happen. Life is a journey, not a jump in, jump out sort of game. And I hate that I can't remember the events that brought me to this place. I need to know it. Because somewhere along the line obviously we…"

Castle could read her thoughts.

"I can tell you about it, if you want. I can tell you what happened. From my perspective, at least. I can tell you things you told me… I'll tell you anything you want, if it will help."

"Tell me why I left for a month."

Castle took a deep breath.

"Where to start? Um… you left to protect Hunter, that's the short answer. But it's a lot more complicated than that."

"Why was he in danger?" she asked.

He squeezed her hand tighter, as if he were afraid that she might leave.

"Castle. Tell me."

"Someone still wants you dead. Someone wants me dead. And someone wants Hunter. He's got a chip in his head put there by the CIA when he was two days old."

"The CIA… what… how?"

"If I tell you you have to promise me you're not going to run away."

"Why would I run away?" Kate said, feeling the fear rise up within her.

"Because you… _this you_, always does. Four years ago, I kept secrets – I made choices to protect you, but I didn't tell you. And it _did_ save your life. But you were angry… so angry. And I… I ended it. I ended us."

"How far away for me, is that?" she asked, as if she really had travelled forward in time.

"It's about a month away, in your timeline. Not far."

"Ok. So… if you ended it, then why are we still together?"

He smiled an almost smug, nostalgic smile.

"You came back," he said, almost like it was his doing.

Kate laughed at the expression on his face, before she could be register that she'd let her guard down and let the emotion bubble out of her. But that's who he is, isn't he? Her partner, her friend. The man who makes her laugh. It came as such an unexpected relief that she almost cried, but she stuffed that back down.

"And why is that?" she asked with a sly grin back. Yes, this felt more natural, like falling back onto familiar ground.

"Well… in the end I suppose it was because you love me."

Oh. _Oh._ That.

She didn't speak for a moment, she couldn't. Her sly grin slowly faded, and she knew she was staring at him, all seriousness, and stunned hesitance. He held her gaze, and she could't tear her eyes from his deep, dark blue ones. There were years of secrets there. Years. Things she knew she knew, but in that moment _didn't_ know. And all she could see was his raw, exposed _love_ and _need_. He blinked, but he wouldn't look away. He was just, there.

"You are, though, aren't you?" he said, gently, yet sure of himself. "You're in love with me. You have to be. Because people don't just fall in love in a month. At least, not us. Too much history."

She still couldn't speak – that's exactly what it was. Too much history.

Was she in love with him? Was that what the feeling was, clawing at her heart, clamping around her, making her feel simultaneously terrified, but never more secure. Knowing that this man would willingly die for her? That he'd go all the way.

All it took was one soft stroke of his thumb over her hand and she blurted it out,

"Yes. Yes, I'm in love with you."

A smile broke over his face in an instant, and a beautiful, innocent light filled his eyes.

"Oh, I've missed you saying that so much," he sighed. Kate's heart pounded, and she gripped his fingers.

"It… it doesn't make everything ok," she said.

"No, but it will," he said.

"You don't know that," she replied.

"No. I do. I _do_."

She looked away, finally, and mused over what to say next. But before she could, his phone rang, with the James Bond ringtone.

"Sorry," he said, with apologetic eyes, and picked up his phone. "Castle."

Sitting across the table, she was close enough that she didn't need the phone on speakerphone to hear the deep, male voice come through on the other end of the line.

"Mr. Castle? If you want your children to live, give us your wife. Otherwise, they will die. Slowly. And the baby… he will be of special use to us. You know where to find us. You have 48 hours." Then the line clicked off.

Both of them sat there, frozen.

"Castle," she breathed.

"Kate. We need to run._ Now_."

* * *

**AN: So... don't hate me for the ending! But DO tell me what you think! :) Special thanks to all those that reviewed the prologue. I really appreciate it and I'm glad to know you enjoyed it. **


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N: So this chapter is a little shorter, but it provided me with a faster way to update and a better cliff-hanger. ;) **

* * *

**Finding It All**

**Chapter 2**

Castle bolted from his seat, slamming a hundred dollar bill on the table that he'd grabbed from his pocked and yelling to the waitress across the diner,

"Sorry! Family emergency. That should cover it!" Then he seized Kate's hand and dragged her out behind him and to the car. He unlocked the car and they were both in a blur of frenzied motion.

He started the car and within a few seconds they were out on the road, Castle shifting the gears as he drove.

"Where are we going?"

"The Loft," Castle replied, with a worried look at her, "it's the safest place for now. And we need to get back to the kids."

She nodded, processing the information.

"Who was that on the phone?"

"I don't know. Well, that's not exactly true. I do know. But I don't know his real identity."

"Okay," Kate said slowly.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"We're going to the Loft. I'll tell you there."

Even faster than they'd arrived at the diner, they arrived back at the loft. Castle both of them flung the doors open and ran inside the building.

"Stairs!" Castle said, and they went through the side door to the stairwell. In all her years as a cop, Kate had never run so fast up a stairwell, not even during a chase with a suspect. They'd run up the several flights of stairs and into the hall in record time.

They both panted as Castle shoved his key into the lock and flung open the door. Inside, the shades were down, and the lights off, leaving the whole loft in dim golden light. Kate didn't even get a chance to look around before Castle had grabbed her hand and dragged her across to the right to a door she didn't remember being there the last time she'd been at the Loft. This one was locked with a number keypad lock, and Castle entered the four digit code, pulled her inside, and let her hand go.

"You need to stay here for just a moment. I'm getting Alexis and Hunter. Don't touch anything."

Kate opened her mouth to say something but he was already gone, shutting the door behind him. She turned around, and saw a whole entire separate loft before her. Only this one was bathed in LED blue lighting, from the numerous electronic smartboards and computer screens around the entire living space. Castle had set up his own headquarters.

Kate stood in the middle of the room at first, just looking at everything. What was this? Where had it come from? And more importantly, why was it there? Then she began to look at the files open on the desks. Ok, that was weird. What was he doing with CIA files?

A few minutes later, the door reopened, and she spun around to find Castle ushering Alexis in, with Hunter in his arms. Hunter was in the process of asking Castle what was going on.

"Tell you later, little man," he said, and dumped the boy into Alexis's arms. Alexis huffed,

"Dad! What _is_ going on?"

"We're all in danger," he said quickly, walking over to one of the computers and beginning to type furiously into a search engine of some sort, "now I need you to be quiet so I can think."

"Should I take Hunter in the other room?" Alexis asked tentatively. He spun around again and said,

"No!" a panic in his eyes.

"Castle," Kate said, and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. At that he turned to look at her, and although she could see the naked fear in his eyes, it did seem to settle him. "Do what you need to do. Then tell us what's going on."

He nodded.

"Right. Hang on," he turned back to his computer. Kate watched as she appeared to be typing in some sort of security code into a security program of some sort. Then, as he clicked away, she started hearing ominous clicking and thudding coming from the walls, going in incriments across each wall.

"What's that noise?" she asked.

"It's the wall going down," he said.

"What do you mean the wall?"

"I'm locking us in. Securing the Loft. Nobody leaves until we've sorted this out."

"_Castle_. I don't even know what any of this _is_."

"It's a security system. I had thick metal walls installed to go around our apartment, and the one next to it. The building itself is secure, but if anything, or anybody tries to attack us in the apartment, they won't be able to get through," he said as he finished, and spun around in his chair to face her. "It'll be safe to go back in the main apartment just as soon as a do a thorough heat scan to make sure that there's nobody in there."

He entered in a code on the computer and it began to carry out the search.

Kate didn't say anything for a moment, and watched everything, internally, a little bit in awe of the entire thing.

"When?" she asked, gesturing to all of the screens and the second apartment.

"It was just before Hunter was born," he said, and the screen beeped an all clear. He turned and pressed the enter key, and then looked to Alexis and Hunter. "There's nobody there. Everything's ok for now… maybe you and your brother should go back out into the living room for a little while. We'll be there in a minute."

"Ok, but Dad… what's happening?"

"I'm not sure yet. But I promise I'll find out. First, I think Kate and I are going to have to talk through some things before we can get to the bottom of it. Don't worry, Pumpkin."

Alexis shot him a worried look, and looked at Kate as if she might have been the cause of the problem. It cut into Kate's heart.

"We don't know anything yet, Alexis," Castle said, reading her look. "I promise you I'll let you know the moment we figure this out."

"Ok," Alexis said, temporarily appeased. Hunter sat up, alert in her arms, watching his parents as they talked with his sister.

"Daddy!" he spoke up, and reached out, his fingers curling and uncurling in a grabby motion.

Castle got to his feet and went forward to Hunter, rubbed his hand over his back for a moment, and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I'll see you in a minute," he said softly, and Hunter nodded trustingly at him. Alexis and Hunter then left.

Castle turned back to Kate and walked slowly back to stand in front of her.

"Why do you have all this, Rick?" she asked, straight faced, and dead serious. Her eyes bored into his, and he sighed.

"Come here," he said, and led her by the arm around the corner, away from the screens, and to a pleasant living area decorated in neutrals and earth tones, with couches and a low coffee table. Behind them was the open kitchen, and a door to what appeared to be a bedroom. So it was roughly the same layout as his main apartment. Castle nudged her to sit down on the couch, and he sat down on the table in front of her.

"I don't know where to begin, but in order for you to understand the threat to our children right now, I'm going to tell you pertinent information about this place, and what it's for. The first important thing I need to tell you is that I met my father," he paused to gauge her reaction.

"You met your dad?" her whole face softened, and she looked as if she was about to stroke his cheek.

"Yeah," he said with a gentle smile. "Yeah, I met him, finally. It turns out he's been looking after me for my whole life. And also, he's a spy. Alexis was kidnapped and taken to Paris. He helped me save her. He's outside the CIA, but he's loyal to America, and is loosely connected to the CIA. In early 2014, we got married. In late 2014, Hunter was born. What's happening to us right now is a direct result of the circumstances Hunter was born into. The CIA put a chip in his brain at two days. Then they gave him back to us. We still know very little about this chip other than that they can track his whereabouts with it, and it also would kill him if we removed it. It appears to have no affect on his memory – it perhaps even has enhanced it. But at any rate, it makes him an asset to many people. People who know the chip's capabilities better than we do. We've dedicated the better part of the last two years to trying to live a normal life, but still finding out all we can in order to help Hunter and minimize the threat to his safety. But, it's tough. There's just not a lot we can find out, and the chip is technologically bulletproof. We've tried to hack into it, but it was either damage the boy's brain, or just not go into it at all, and leaving it seemed like the better option at the time." He took a pause and reached over to take her hand as she absorbed the information. Her eyes had turned into little clouds of green and brown.

"Ok. So when did this whole setup come about? And why?" she squeezed his hand and nodded for him to continue.

"There was a bomb threat… you nearly died. We all nearly died. And that's when I decided I couldn't take more chances. In the middle of last year I had my father hook me up with his professional security system. He knows people who know people… I bought the loft next to us to ensure that I'd have a place to work, and a place to keep us safe. Not only does this have an advanced security system including the capability to basically turn the apartments into a bomb shelter, it has state of the art medical facilities, a 3-D printer, a weapons arsenal, which believe me, I keep safely guarded at all times, and it also has plenty of supplies if we were ever to have to be locked in here. It's the safest place for us. There's nothing that can get in here. And that's why I dragged you in here." The main loft is secured, but it's not the same. That's home, and this is a safe place around the next corner."

Kate nodded slowly, and processed this.

"What about the precinct, and the cases? I'm still a detective?"

"That you are."

"How about…" she paused, hesitant to continue. He leaned forward a little, encouraging her with his eyes to continue. "My mom's case. Where are we with that? And does any of this have to do with that?"

Castle took a breath and held it, unsure how to respond.

"There are times when I want to lie to you. I want to lie to you and say it's alright, and that everything's fine, but it's not, and I can't. Not when you look like that," he said, and waved a hand at her face, toward the expression in her eyes. "Yes. It has everything to do with your mom's case. And my dad's work. And how the two worlds collide."

"Your dad's a spy?" she said, softly.

"Yes," he replied.

"Castle, are you a spy?" she asked suddenly, but her voice was steady. She waited for his answer and he looked at her. In his eyes she could see every blatant fear. The fear of being rejected. The fear of hurting her. The fear of her reaction. The desperate need to be loved and to keep her companionship. The drive and the fire to keep her there, and to keep his children safe. She didn't know how, but she could read them. Perhaps there wasn't so much of her lost after all. Those remains burned hot, bright, and deep within her soul, from the innermost part of her, and she searched for the strength within herself to withstand whatever his answer was – feeing an overwhelming sense of protectiveness over him, all of a sudden. He took a deep breath, looked away for a moment, then he looked straight back at her, into her eyes and replied.

"Yes."

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**A/N: Reviews make me write more faster! It's true! :D**


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks so very much to all those who have been reading, favoriting, following, and reviewing this story. I appreciate it, and enjoy writing it!**

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**Finding it All**

**Chapter 3**

"Well, not totally a spy. Or, not exactly. Well. I guess I'm not really a spy at all," Castle added a moment later. "Remember how I used to say I was more of a cop-helper? It's a bit more like that."

"So you're not a spy?"

"I don't do field work. But I do help my dad out. It's an exchange… he keeps us safe, and I help him out. I know stuff. But I'm not really going out and getting information for him. I'm just doing what I've always done, only now my life includes you being here, and Hunter as well as Alexis."

"What about your mom?"

Castle looked stricken.

"She's… it's just. She. She's gone. She went missing about a year ago. There's been no word from her… just… nothing," he sighed, and sounded like he was about to cry, and looked down towards his knees with wet eyes.

"Do you think she was kidnapped… or?" Kate spoke softly, longing to reach out to him, but unsure how that would be received.

"I don't know. She disappeared. I think my dad might know where she is, and how she is, but he won't tell me. He says there's reasons for everything. He believes in fate…"

"But so do you…" Kate prompted, realizing the seriousness of his words. She had always been the skeptic, and he was the one she could count on for wild acts of faith. If he was giving up his belief in fate, then this was more serious than she had first realized.

"I do. I still do," he clarified, with a grim smile, "but I've had enough taken from me to know that people are most often the cause of things like this. People are the ones responsible. And sometimes good people do bad things to protect those they love."

Kate sat very still, and watched as he seemed to crumble under the weight of it all. He began again,

"I've done things… to protect you-" he let out half of a broken sob and she could restrain herself no longer. She reached out and pulled him forward, wrapping her arms around him and guiding his head with her hand to rest on her shoulder.

"Hey… hey. Shh… it's ok."  
"I've shot people… I've killed people to protect you. I created this… and I still can't keep you safe," he let out a great shuddering sob – a soft, broken cry that cut through the air. She could feel his shudders beneath her fingers where she rubbed her hand over his back.

"No… no, Castle. We all do what we have to do. All of us," she stroked a hand through his hair and held him against her, trying, doing anything she could to bring him comfort. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly, his fingers almost bruising in their desperate hold.

"But they took your memories. And sometimes memories are all we have left. And now they've taken them," he said, a vengeance and hurt in his voice.

"I want to remember," Kate said, surprising herself by her own conviction. "I want them back. And I'll do anything you need me to do to try and get them back."

He pulled his head back from the crook of her neck, and looked at her, his face just a few inches apart from hers.

"Including this?" he asked, his breath skirting over her skin. Her eyes closed automatically as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. Once. Twice. And a third time, firm, yet gentle.

Kate exhaled softly and took both of his hands in her own, her fingers curling around his. She opened her eyes and found his there in front of her, wide, and questioning.

"Definitely that," she whispered, "just… not yet. Not right now."

His expression – the instant crestfallenness in his eyes made her want to cry so she lay her palm over his cheek and pressed her lips to his forehead.

"Soon though," she amended, and he brightened a little bit. "We need to talk some more. Tell me about Hunter. Tell me about my son."

He leaned further into the palm of her hand and she found herself running her thumb in a soothing motion on his cheek, just below his eye.

"Ok," he sighed. "Hunter is… he's perfect. He's two, and he's perfect."

"I thought you said he was born in 2014?"

"He was," Castle replied.

"Then why is he already two?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said he was born in late 2014. And it's only April, 2016, according to you, and that screen in the airport. That would make him only one and a half."

Castle opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again.

"Hm," he said, his brow furrowing. "Yeah, you're right… but."

She waited for his explanation.

"Yeah, no… I've got nothing."

"What do you mean? You can't remember your own son's birthday?"

"It's December 4th," Castle rattled off from memory.

"So how did you think he was two?"

"I… I don't know. It's just like I assumed, without thinking about it. I just said he was two, and that was it."

"Why?" Beckett asked, growing nervous.

"I don't know, it just happened."

She thought about this for a moment.

"Castle, you need to tell me about what happened when he was born. Were you there? Where were you when they put the chip in him?"

Castle took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and spoke,

"I wasn't there. We'd been taken hostage, and Ryan and Espo didn't come in as backup until a lot later. You weren't even supposed to have him until a month later… he was premature. There were these... I don't know who they were – men in black… agents of some sort. Not CIA… I don't know. They just took us, and held us captive for about a week. Looking back I still don't know how we did it, but you went into labor – we were both in restraints. Somehow, I found the desperation within myself to break free of the restraints, I got you out, and we escaped and hid in an alley nearby the facility where we had been taken, long enough for you to give birth." He paused, trying to read her expression.

"Go on," she nodded, and curled her fingers around his. He squeezed back.

"I'd never heard you scream like that… so loudly, so… in pain. I mean, I know all women do when they have a baby. I just didn't expect it to be like that. I expected a quiet, clean hospital, with skilled nurses, not an alley filled with dirt. We were both so weak, and hungry, and I've never seen you as strong as you were then." Castle blinked, rapidly, and Kate could see he fought tears.

'Anyway, we had about twenty precious minutes to ourselves before our captors found us again. I was wearing a sweater, so I took it off and wrapped Hunter in it, so he wouldn't be cold. And… then I held you both, and I kissed you both, and you fed him, and…"

Castle shut his eyes and shuddered, and Kate tightened her grip on his fingers. This seemed to steady him.

"When they came it was like somebody had just handed me my heart back for a few moments only to smash it again… you were so calm. I thought you would yell, or scream or fight… there were about four of them, and it was clear they were there for Hunter. But you just kissed his forehead, and I helped you up, and you looked at them and told them that if they hurt him you would personally end them. Violently. There was nothing we could do – I tried to fight them, but I barely had any energy, and I had to hold you up anyway. They took us back to the facility. They didn't keep us restrained, but they kept us imprisoned. At least we were together. Hunter was gone for three days, and we didn't know anything about what happened to him. We tried to think about how to escape, and on of our contacts on the inside managed to get us in touch with Espo and Ryan. On the third day, my dad appeared at the door to our room. Espo and Ryan had gotten a team and they had worked with him to take back Hunter. When he came to our cell, he had Hunter in his arms, and he got us out, and took us to his own safe house for about a week until it was all over. He explained to us more of the details of what they'd done to Hunter.

"Basics first, it doesn't appear like his physical makeup has been changed at all. And he seems to be developing at the same rate as other children his age, both physically and emotionally. He's a little small still, not as tall as expected, but I think that was because of the circumstances of his birth. The actual chip in his brain is less of a chip and more of a hard drive, and a chemical trigger, I think. From what my father said, it's formatted to basically transform his thinking processes over time to be more methodical, more like that of a computer. With or without the chip, he'd grow up to be smart. But this seems to have the potential of enhancing his brainpower, at a future date. That's not what I'm worried about so much as the chemical trigger aspect of it. It could completely mess up his hormones, and take away his ability to interact with others like anybody else."

Castle paused and looked stricken, looking across about Beckett.

"You're really terrified for him," she said, feeling her own heart in her throat as she watched the emotions flickering over his face.

"I want him to be ok. I just want them to leave us alone," he grit out between clenched teeth. "First the abduction of Alexis, then us, then Hunter, and my mother disappears, and your memories, and mine and…" he stopped talking, unable to continue.

Kate was silent and stared at her hands, tightly clasping Castle's fingers.

"My dad made a deal," he said, when he could talk. "With the people that did this to Hunter in the first place. My dad has information that they want. So he's made a pact to work with them, in exchange for insurance of Hunter's safety, and our own. But touch any of us, and the deal is out the window. Vice versa… if they take out my dad…"

"None of us are safe," Kate filled in.

"Yeah. And that's what worries me most right now. I've had my share of threats over the years… angry Derrick Storm fans, crazed killers, gamblers even. But not like the one I just got."

"So what's the next step?" Kate asked.

"I need to make contact with my father, figure out what's going on. If he's safe, this will be a whole lot easier. Either way though, I want to do scan. To scan you to make sure you're ok. And maybe I'll even scan myself, just to be certain."

Kate nodded.

"You have one of those?"

"Yeah it's over here," Castle stood up and walked over to his desk drawer, pulling out two small plastic-silicon sleeves with a cords coming out of the inside of them, a remote, and packaged alcohol swabs. He opened the swab and pulled it out, swiping it over the first one. All you have to do is put this on your finger. It will do the rest."

Kate stood and went over to him, and he slipped it on over her index finger, flipping it inside out, his fingers skimming over her wedding band as he rested her fingers atop his palm. He fiddled with the remote in one hand, watching as it activated the program on the screen, his thumb pressed firmly to the inside of her palm. She stood very still and tried not to listen to the pounding of her blood in her ears at his simple touch.

The program activated itself, and a message on the screen let him know that the scan started, a progress bar coming to the middle of the screen. 0%.

"There you go," he said, softly, and let her hand go to slip the scanner onto his own finger. A separate progress bar started for him, and he returned to lean next to her against the arm of the couch. He reached down and to her surprise, too her hand, the cords tangling up with each other. He twined their fingers together and pressed the sleeve of his scanner to hers.

"What are you doing?" she said.

"Sometimes it works better if there's a connection between the two people being scanned. It's trained to recognize us both, as a team, and how we respond to each other."

"Hmm," Kate hummed and looked at him with a reproachful, hesitant glance. He smirked.

They sat in amicable silence for several minutes, hands pressed together, sides aligned. She didn't say anything, only leaned gently against him.

"It's not what I wanted for us," he said all of a sudden. "I mean, you're a cop, and - my family, my dad - it's not like I can just ignore the circumstances. It's danger for us either way. But, I need you to know that I didn't want that for our family." There was an edge of ferocity to his voice. "There are things I still want..." he sighed.

"I get it," Kate said, and swallowed. "I understand. One day your life is normal, and the same as everybody else's, and then-"

"It's not," he finished. "It will never be the same again."

Kate remained silent. She felt truly as if she had traveled forward in time, almost like an outsider. Like any moment there would be an alternate version of herself that comes walking from around the corner, a softer version, a stronger version, a version that's better for him. But there wasn't, she reminded herself. There's just her. And she can only be who she is in the moment they have now.

"It doesn't mean that your life can't get better though," she said.

He turned to look at her. There was something in his eyes, a glimmer of a hope so familiar. And she realized she had seen that look a thousand times before, directed at her. She tried to decipher it. A little bit of nostalgia, a great deal of expectancy, no small amount of wonder, and a lot of love. A lot... In fact, it was blatant, shining out of his eyes. _Oh,_ how had she never noticed it before when it was right there, every time?

"Yeah?" he said.

"Yes," she nodded. It reminded her of how she had felt the first time she had told him 'always'. A promise. Something that actually meant something. She turned to look back at the progress bar before it all became too much and she said or did something stupid. Nearly there.

He nodded and did the same, giving her hand a squeeze.

"We'll figure it out," he said.

"We will," Kate said back with a nod of her own.

They watched as the progress bar filled up the last ten percent. It beeped when it was done, and the statistics popped up on the screen.

Castle took the scanners off of their fingers and put them back in the drawer. Kate stepped forward and started reading the statistics on heart rates, blood pressure, and other things, but then Castle turned and lay both of his hands over hers at the computer.

"I don't know what it's going to say yet, or what the information might trigger, if either of us have been compromised. Sometimes these sorts of chips have triggers that go off when certain subjects, or phrases are brought up."

"How do you know that? How can you be sure?"

"Because it's been done before. In others... I've been studying it." He swallowed down his insecurity inside of himself and looked back at her with the weight of it in his gaze.

"Ok..." she said, sensing his need to try and preserve some sense of control over what was happening to them. "You can read it first."

"Thank you," he breathed in a grateful sigh, looked back a the screen.

Kate went back to the couch, and sat down, waiting, watching the set of his shoulders as he read, the tension radiating off of him in waves. She folded her hands in her lap, and focused on breathing, attempting to not react before she knew the results.

At a sharp intake of air from Castle her head shot up.

"What is it?"

He turned towards her, and with no bravado, only sincerity, and sorrow.

"The scanner said we both have the chips in our brains. Same as Hunter, from what I can tell. Inactive, at the moment. But recently activated on yours, at least. It might explain the memory loss. There's probably a block. Or at least I hope that's all it is."

She stood up.

"Let me see," she said.

"There's more," he said, and turned away as she passed him and went to the computer.

Kate began to scan the results. The majority of the information was about chemical levels in the body, blood pressure, brain activity, and the immune system, but she noticed more in a sidebar listing current illnesses to be concerned about.

"It's a virus," he said, and she glanced over to see him sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, "I'm familiar with it. They nicknamed it the 'zombie virus' when I was researching it. Basically… it's going to override all your functions. It's injected into the system, and within three days it will take over the body, limiting you to basic functions. You'll follow orders without being able to make decisions for yourself. It's just been introduced into the human trafficking field. And you've already been infected with it for a day."

She took a deep breath,

"Ok, then what do we do to stop it?"

"My dad had a team working on an antidote. Last I heard, they had almost figured it out. If we can make contact with him, then we can find a cure for ourselves. And Hunter, hopefully – if we can figure this thing out. The first thing we have to do is get out of here, to the safe house, with Hunter and Alexis. From there we'll find a safe way to make contact with him. The facilities where they would be working on the antidote are a secret. I know things, but I'm not sure where that's located, or if they will have released it anywhere out. Regardless, there's somebody out for us. I've made enemies… we all have. And if we don't move quickly, there will be no way to escape in time."

Kate nodded, and crouched down next to him as he hung his head and pressed his face into his hands.

"I'm sorry. I wish this wasn't so messed up," he growled. She put her hand on his shoulder, running a soothing line with her palm from there to his elbow and back again, as he took a shuddering breath.

"No… shhh. It's ok. Let's just go."

"There's one other thing," he said, and looked up, tears in his eyes. His blue gaze bored into her, full of deep sadness, and confusion, and pain, and longing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Kate, love…" he let out half of a bitter laugh, reached for her hand, and pressed his lips to her knuckles. He cradled her fingers in his and looked to her as a lone tear slipped down his cheek. "You're pregnant."

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**A/N: Thank you for reading! I will update as soon as I can! **


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